A year ago as now I'd just returned from a hectic but fulfilling few weeks working on a writing
project incredibly close to my heart and excitedly planning for projects ahead. As I'd boarded the train back however, I had a
strange, unsettling sense that the world was starting to shift somehow.... Of course in that moment I had no idea it would actually be my last train journey, and I certainly never imagined just how much life, indeed the world, was about to change.
In the months that followed that trip, my wings began to get clipped, and, sadly, things just plummeted downhill from there.
You see, even before the Corona virus fully hit, my life had started to be turned upside down; from a combination of family bereavement and ill health, personal trauma and upheaval, lost trusts, broken promises and plans, devastating betrayals and a whole heap of unexpected stress. Not to mention the soul destroying consequences of arrogant, selfish actions and inactions alongside my own spiralling medical issues, as my body continues to fail me in ways I'm still trying to comprehend and adjust to.
In reality, Covid-19 was just the very unpleasant icing on top of a large mouldy cake, as I was already damaged, withdrawn and isolated by the time lockdown happened. My complex genetic conditions and increasing health problems put me at extreme risk from the corona virus though, so I pretty much became a prisoner in my home at that point. I genuinely haven't been over the door since February now, which is taken a heavy toll mentally. Especially with no end in sight, as my region heads into further lockdown and restrictions amid rising infection and death rates. It doesn't exactly help seeing some people I thought better of using status, money and 'couldn't care less about anyone but myself' attitudes to constantly deny and/or break safety guidelines either.
If I'm brutally honest, I'm struggling on a lot of levels for many reasons right now. And I'm unashamed to admit that I've been to some extremely dark places over the past few months too. Again not helped at all by being treat like worthless 'collateral damage' by people I've trusted, respected and given so much to over the years. Or being told to 'get over it' by those who just always expect me to be strong for them. I've faced a lot of challenging times in my life, some I'd even rate harder than this, but I'll openly confess it's been a while since I've felt quite so broken, lonely and lost as I have done recently.
As many of you know, one of my main coping mechanisms in life is to throw myself into my work. Sadly though, that has been adversely affected by this current situation too, making it all much more difficult. There are a lot of factors at play of course, but let's face it, being a disabled female writer isn't exactly an advantage at the best of times, let alone during a global pandemic and economic crisis. It would be so good to bury myself in a project right now and have something positive to focus on, especially with my beloved Indycar season ending.
Again, if I'm totally honest, the only thing that's kept me going at times is my deep love and passion for Indycar, and my Indy Family. As so often in my life Indycar has been the one constant that I can cling to, and I am grateful beyond words to the 'family' who've put their (virtual) arms around me, inspiring me far more than they realise. I miss being trackside so much though and it's been absolute torture not being able to get over to any races and see everyone. The 'pond' has never felt so horribly wide....
