On Sunday I was subjected to the cruel actions of a so called friend who has done little more than leech from me physically, emotionally and financially for the past 8 years. The situation is difficult and complex sadly, but that is beside the point. Because amidst my hurt and anger I saw true friendship and support in action too - from people I have never even met. This got me thinking about friendship in general and made me realise just how much I'd lacked, missed and needed it.
As a young child I made friends easily, having a large group of pals, mainly boys as I was quite the tomboy, that I spent time with. Sadly as I progressed into senior (high) school away from many of my friends, it was a different story. It doesn't pay to be different in school and I most certainly was. Much smaller and younger looking than my peers, I felt very vulnerable, especially as I was going through the trauma of a seriously ill parent and coping with what we realise now were the beginnings of my own health problems too. Plus I was far more interested in doing calculus than calculating who I'd done, if you follow my drift. All in all it's safe to say the latter years of my schooling weren't exactly fun or filled with lasting friendships...
Thankfully though I had my saving grace, my horses. And if I'm honest the more time I spent with humans over the coming years the more I grew to love my equine friends! I seem to be a magnet for people who take advantage of my kindness and generosity, using me, bleeding me dry then tossing me aside when I'm no longer useful.
There was the stable girl from a well to do family who regularly 'forgot' her riding lesson payments, bus fare and food yet never once paid me back. The hotshot business woman so needy she'd spend hours on the phone complaining about the life she'd chosen for herself in London, her high paid job and even her family but who hung up on me the one time I tried confiding in her. Then we have the Aussie who used me to get a cheap tour of England, landing on my family for a month despite knowing we'd just buried my grandfather, my Dad was ill and I was in the middle of being diagnosed. Regardless of our obvious struggles, she still expected us to ferry her all over the UK. She broke half the house and ate us out of the other half....yet still insisted she'd come over to 'help us'.
And that's before I even get to the real nut job. Shortly after I was diagnosed I joined an online support group for people with similar types of conditions, just to try and feel less alone. Sadly whilst I did get support from most members, I also attracted the attention of a young Canadian women who proceeded to 'medically stalk' me. She would take details of issues I was having and had confided to the group about then use them to convince her doctors to give her drugs, appointments and tests galore. A genuine Munchhausen Syndrome using my medical history to gain her prize all whilst I was fighting being wrongly labelled a hypochondriac.
Her merciless, emotionally exhausting campaign drove me very close to a nervous break down. As a result I withdrew into myself, becoming very insular and isolated, not allowing myself to trust anyone after being hurt and used so much. I hated being like that as I'd always been such a trusting, open hearted person, treating people as I'd hope they would treat me too. I hated that the selfish, cruel actions of a few people had changed my entire outlook and attitude to everyone.
Yet as the title of this blog suggests, no man is an island and I slowly learnt that I couldn't keep hiding away or coping alone. I was very reluctant to join Twitter at first, vowing I wouldn't leave myself open to be abused again. Yet I became strangely drawn to it, a little voice inside telling me 'Go on, you know you want to'. I missed talking to people who shared my passions in life. I missed contact with people outside of my family and tiny inner sanctum of trusted confidants.
I guess if I'm honest I actually have my old motor-racing friend, Dan Wheldon to thank for me joining Twitter. It was my need to reach out to others feeling his loss that made me take that leap of faith. Being able to take strength from his amazing sister Holly, share the sorrow, shock and pain of his death but also remember the good times helped me grieve for a still much missed friend.
Yet in grieving one old friends loss I unwittingly opened up my world, my eyes and my heart to a whole host of new friends too. I've 'met' people from all over the globe who share my eclectic passions from horses to motorsport via music and wildlife. From my wonderful Twitter Sisters who encourage and support me in my goal to get back in the saddle, to my fabulous Glitter Pants crew whom I often spend all night talking IndyCar with! The various wlidlife groups that share my joy in nature, the talented musicians who enrich my life and the hugely inspiring KartForce guys desperate to get me back in a kart. Taking the plunge into Twitter has given me access to some amazing people in all walks of life, all over the world and reminded me what it's like to just be accepted, embraced and loved for who you are - not what you do, who you know or what you can give.
That fact was truly brought home to me on Sunday with the overwhelming and incredibly humbling response I received to a casual remark about the actions of a 'friend'. Your protective, angered yet supportive reactions made me feel whole, loved and worth more than this. A feeling I haven't had for a very long time, for many different reasons I may explain more about one day.
So this blog post is dedicated to you, my friends. To thank you for your support, your encouragement, your time, your acceptance, your understanding and above all else your friendship. Because you have truly shown me what that means. It's not about how many times we've met or even spoken on the phone, heck I don't even know where most of you live...and I don't need to. All I need to know is that you're there for me and that you know I'm there for you. That is what friendship is - unconditional, constant and a two way path.
A friend said recently, 'Twitter friends are the nicest people you'll never meet' and while I agree completely, I very much hope I can change that with at least some of you some day. But until we do meet, please know that I value your friendships deeply and I will always be here for you too.
Just please don't ever come and eat everything in my fridge in one sitting!
Johanna x
1 comment:
I'm Irish: I'd come over and FILL your cupboards, plus your stomach, and irk you with the question "Are you sure you don't want any more?" (There is a bit of Mrs Doyle in all of us).
I'm so sorry that people calling themselves friends have treated you so poorly :( Life is hard enough, without the people purporting to care for you just using you; I'm disgusted, quite frankly! I am delighed to be a Twitter Sister: it's been a pleasure getting to know you, and you give as much unconditional comfort as any of us - thank you for that :)
I didn't realise you knew Dan. I still feel sick and get rather teary every time I hear his name mentioned; his family have been utterly remarkable through out all of this. I think it's a case of proving that life never deals you hands that are tougher than you can manage to deal with :)
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